I Dream of Dying

Hanna Maxwell
5 min readSep 12, 2023
“…and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.”
-Roland Orzabal; Tears for Fears

I am not a person who gives in easily to depression, not as an outward manifestation at any rate. I think almost everyone can relate to the ease with which one can take that downward spiral though, the one where the negative thoughts seem to come so easily. Where it’s easy to trip over that one thing, the thing that starts the spiral.

One popular, or should I say trending word that comes to mind is the word “trigger.” I’m not talking about that though, this is not something small that brings up some old memory of a specific trauma or tragedy. What I’m talking about is how all week, maybe all month, there are little things you pushed down or didn’t let bother you.

They were likely things you knew are simply life’s inevitabilities, small things, so you let them go knowing you can’t change them and knowing that getting your knickers in a twist about them would be nothing more than a waste of time and energy.

I can’t speak to the habits of others but for me, these little things, not triggers, are only given a moment of thought, just long enough to allow myself to feel what needs to be felt, learn what needs to be learned, and then move on.

I have been saying for long enough to annoy most of the people I know, that one cannot “let it go” unless they pick it up first. For me, picking it up is allowing it to have its time in my thoughts but not to let it take them over.

I’m a realist and that has helped a lot in my life, it wasn’t difficult to become so, my life has been very real. In spite of, or perhaps because of, the peace and love spewing habits of some of the people I know, as well as the swirling vortex of depression, self loathing and shame I’ve seen others wallow in, I have always had an easy enough time finding a road somewhere in the middle.

It seems this is a society of extremes and that doesn’t help. I am neither optimistic nor pessimistic, I don’t see a glass half empty or a glass half full, I see a glass that’s just too big. I’m a Mental Health Muse with a mission.

My aim isn’t to fool people into being happy, it’s to teach them a productive way to be sad.

However, anyone can have a bad day now and again. Once I had an off day and posted a comment on the internet on my main page. It was there with all my positive comments and supportive statements, one, only one, that I posted that day, about losing faith in humanity.

I guess I thought that posting it might initiate a positive comment back, something like, “hang in there, there are good people out there.” I suppose by posting a remark about losing faith in humanity I thought I was opening the door for that faith to be restored, but it was the internet, instead I got a troll berating me and only validating how much people, in general, suck.

Extremism towards handling emotions is why the “self-help” industry is a billions of dollars a year industry. People are so confused about how to deal with their own feelings folks calling themselves “soul workers” and “mentors” line their pockets regurgitating things like Buddhist ideals or reinterpreted “new” age concepts.

Just toss in key words like “soul” or “intuition.” You can call yourself a “soul relationship facilitator” or “intuition mentor” or a “Mental Health Advocate” and offer such services as “soul retrieval” or “name therapy” or any number of things to line your pockets with money from folks who seem to miss the point entirely, that the word “self” is in “self-help.”

Often these days you can tell from looking at the social media pages of these “experts” that they are the last people qualified to help anyone with suicidal thoughts or mental health issues. Most of them use 90% of their time not coping very well at all.

I have been saying for decades that it’s time to put the “self” back into “self-help.”

They say every year that suicide rates are going up, especially the rates among teens. While I don’t understand suicide, I do understand suicidal thoughts. I understand depression. I also understand the hypocrisy of a culture that creates a toxic environment and then wonders why it’s sick.

I don’t agree with it but that doesn’t make it untrue. For too many, that in itself is a revolutionary idea, perhaps a good first step to thinking in a new way, just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it isn’t true or should be cancelled.

Just because you’re having a bad day, month, year or years, doesn’t mean you should cancel yourself. There is more to be gained in fighting the fight than in giving up, and if you give up or choose a stagnant pattern, you never get to discover what you are capable of.

Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?” -Albert Camus

This isn’t meant to be a novel however, I do have a point. Lately, I have actually entertained the thought that death will be a sweet release. I am not suicidal, in fact, ask anyone who knows me, they’ll you that I’m a person who really knows how to enjoy life. I can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile, all twirly on the sidewalk tossing my cap into the air.

It is valid to point out that people are getting worse though, society is failing and we’re all doomed. We aren’t doomed because of anything outside of ourselves either, corrupt government, big pharma, whatever excuse of the day one can contrive is irrelevant, it’s our responses to these things that shape the world, and people aren’t responding well.

So when I say that the best day of my life will likely be the last one, it isn’t because I’m depressed, it isn’t because I’m suicidal and it isn’t because I need to “dig deeper” or I just, “don’t get it.” It’s because I’m a realist.

All the while, most people ignore what the real issues are in favor of assigning blame and focusing on the problems of others rather than their own. The big picture is depressing, I don’t care how many rainbows you can fart in an hour.

So is it wrong to wait for death with bated breath? Is it wrong to wait for it without fear? Is it so bad to hope that reincarnation is a bogus theory? Seriously, when I go, I don’t want to come back, I’m done. Really, really done…

Sometimes I think that the best day of my life will be the day it’s over.” -Hanna Maxwell



Hanna Maxwell

Creator of Gorgonzola Journalism, Author, Consultant, Traveler, Polymath, Mystical Maven, Mental Health Muse & Mediator to the Gods, M.H., C.H.T., O.M.D.